WOMEN AND ORGASM
WHAT A MAN NEEDS TO KNOW
by Tanya, Ph.D.
I remember when I was doing my bachelors degree at university, interviewing my fellow female students to discover how many liked sex and how many had orgasms during sex. Most did not. It seems that my amateur research remains viable. Research studies show that only 25 to 35% of women have orgasms during intercourse.
There was a time when there was only one issue around women and orgasm – was she or was she not orgasmic. Now we know that the issue is much more complex. Some women have never had orgasm, some have orgasm rarely, others have it most of the time or almost always. Some of these women have orgasms that are so small that their partner is not aware that they have had the experience and has to be informed. Others have a solid jolt and may even let out a cry. Others may have full body orgasm, combined vaginal and clitoral orgasm, multiple and extended orgasm and may even ejaculate anything from a tablespoon to a quart of female ejaculate. When women are orgasmic they may be responsive to a wide range of sexual stimulation. Others are aroused and become orgasmic only from a very narrow range of stimulation and may require so much of it that the man may find it difficult to stay tuned into his own turn-on in the providing of it. The average time for women to have an orgasm during intercourse is 45 minutes, which means 50% take more time and 50% take less time than that. How do we account for so much variation in women and what are the factors involved in determining how orgasmic a woman is? Can a woman learn to become more orgasmic? Is the woman’s orgasm her responsibility, her partner’s responsibility or both?
Women can learn to become both orgasmic and powerfully orgasmic. A woman’s capacity to orgasm is influenced by her attitudes and conditioning, the acquirement of certain teachable abilities, and her consciousness. It is also profoundly influenced by the skills of her partner – his understanding of the female anatomy, his ability to follow her sexual energy and take it where she wants it to go, his expectations or lack of them, and his ability to last for extended periods of time. (As most men ejaculate after anywhere from a few minutes to 15 to 20 minutes of intercourse and 50% of women need 45 minutes or more of intercourse before they can have an orgasm, a man’s role in woman’s orgasm is apparent.) The factors involved in woman’s orgasm and how to manage each of these factors so that the end result is ecstatic bliss for the woman deserves a whole book. My partner and I are writing that book. Here are some pointers that indicate the scope of what is involved in how orgasmic a woman is.
When a woman has pretty much given up on taking action to increase her orgasmic pleasure, she needs to develop psychological insight into any sources of resistance to fully letting go in orgasm, instead of regarding the sexual status quo as simply the natural order of things. These include her parentally, socially or religiously conditioned attitudes to sex, sexual abuse, high need to be in control, trust issues, and her attitude to her partner. If she is over 40, she would be wise to determine if she has a hormone imbalance. There are excellent tests for determining hormonal influence on libido and natural hormonal therapy has not been found to have negative effects.
Here is the guidance I give woman who want to learn to be more orgasmic. You can help the woman in your life become more orgasmic by, as best you can, giving her this guidance yourself:
* Relaxation. Learn to relax in a state of high excitement, therefore allowing your sexual energy to spread deeper into the cellular structures of your body.
* Surrender. To allow that to happen, move into a place of surrender and let-go. Allow yourself to succumb to the full expression of your sexual energy throughout your body. Have no façade and no reserve. Be willing for your sexual energy and arousal to be fully exposed.
* Sound. Let every feeling be expressed in a sound that speaks its erotic impact on you. Be a veritable symphony – animalistic crys, moans, sighs, ahh’s and ooh’s , screams, sobs, mmm’s . If you feel it, let him know it through your sounds.
* Consciousness. Your mind is empty. Your senses are alert. You feel every sensation in your body and allow it to expand. The focus of your consciousness places a spot-light on each kinesthetic experience and so intensifies it further. As you relax into it, you disappear into it, and with each disappearance into erotic sensation your sexual energy expands and grows.
* Running Sexual Energy. Running sexual energy is necessary to orgasmic experience. Not only is it a prelude to the experience but it is also part of the experience itself, because when you are in deep orgasm your energy is running like crazy. If you flood your body over and over again with sexual energy, you will ultimately have more energy than your body can hold and your compacted energy will burst its boundaries and go wild in you. If you can keep this sexual energy running in orgasm and go deeper into it, then it becomes a prolonged orgasm and multiple orgasms. Sexual breathing, movement, sound, attention, intention, imagination, and sexual energy circuits are used to spread sexual energy throughout your body. Each of these is a learnable skill.
* Silence. Nothing will happen, however, unless you become very silent inside. The more silent you are, and the more focused on the sensations in your body and your connection to your partner, the more you will feel, and the more you feel the more intensely orgasmic you become. If this is discouraging because you think you have a mind that just won’t stop, the good news is that this too is a learnable skill and if you can focus you can learn it.
* Consciously creating specialness in your relationship with your partner. This requires each of you to learn to focus your attention intensely upon each other from a place of deep appreciation. Instead of spacing out, you move into a place of powerful heart connected presence in which you express, through your eyes, your facial expression, your sounds, and your movements, and, if necessary, your words, your reactions to your partner’s impact on you. This intensifies the erotic moment and builds the energy between the two of you. It also gives your partner feedback about what turns you on and helps him to follow your energy.
* Learn Tantra. One of the most effective ways for a woman to learn to be more orgasmic is to learn Tantra. Tantra teaches the “how to” of woman’s orgasmic bliss not only as it pertains to the woman but also as it pertains to the man. It is highly likely that you can learn to fulfill your orgasmic potential – especially if you have a partner who is willing to fine hone his sexual skills and co-create a more intimate and erotic sexual relationship with you.
The process of learning to be more orgasmic requires a change of consciousness, the development of new sexual and relationship skills, and the transformation of those skills into new mind-body reflexes. There are books that will teach you these things but they are best learned from an experienced teacher who addresses your particular quirks. The point is that orgasm is learnable. I know because once I was a woman who always “nearly had an orgasm.” Now I am a Tantra teacher and a multi-orgasmic woman. The path for me was Tantra and some gifted Tantra teachers, including my Tantric Beloved, and other incredible Tantric partners.